my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.