Toh the desire to sin is so great 馃槣馃槀馃槃馃ぃ馃し馃槣
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I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Phonetics
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
This all started with Meghan鈥檚 friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I鈥檓 in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can鈥檛 move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.