*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.