*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis