Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.