You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
That’s fair
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
File under excellent bookstore names.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”