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I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
When news reporters do sports stories
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I have a black belt in leather
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night