[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
When ur friends with white people
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.