I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
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It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?