Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
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“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
“We will wed,” I threatened
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Snapes on a plane.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
are there any atheist mantises?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants