First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
The glory of fall.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years