Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
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I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
CUTE CAT‼︎
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
(True)