I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.