I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
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Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
asking santa clause for nudes
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.