Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Sorry not sorry.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers