<- sleeps well with others
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.