I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
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I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
ok this is my dumbest yet
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”