Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
You Might Also Like
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?