They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
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4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday