Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
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[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I’M CRYINGGG
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.