Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait