My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
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I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Close call…
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup