Always a metermaid never a meter
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.