I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
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Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Girl, same.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?