I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
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When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine