A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
He died doing what he loved: being alive
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.