I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?