Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Important
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Every damn time