Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
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The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
How to wake up a Beagle
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.