There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Ironic
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
nature’s most graceful animal
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something