[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.