The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
This week’s mood.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.