When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
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[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I鈥檓 done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you鈥檒l be hearing uranus puns for months.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Kids are great bc it鈥檒l be freezing and they鈥檒l complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I鈥檓 going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
starting a garage orchestra
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
馃幎And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]