Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
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shit, they caught us—run!!!
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?