The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.