Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My flabber has been gasted.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.