Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
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Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
What?!?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
This kinda thing happens to me often
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok