Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
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Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
23. the denim jacket
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.