When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
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Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”