You Might Also Like
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting