The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
You Might Also Like
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.