E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”