When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
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When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”