If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
We avoided this particular disaster
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.