Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.