For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”