New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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How is it still this week?
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.