[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.