Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
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Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?