My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
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friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.